The Fitness Essex Christmas survival guide!
So you have been training hard for most or at least some of the year and now that the festive period is upon us the fear of all that graft going down the pan and the dreaded wobble returning haunts you!
Don't worry you are not alone (or American) so fear not Fitness Essex is here!
We are hosting Boxing Day at our flat this year and the yummy food purchased is currently starring me right in the face! But we must say NO! I will not be weak and return to the slightly more wobbly self I once was back in 2014. I am armed with the FE Christmas survival guide so body fat and wobble can go do one!
So let's prepare for the weeks ahead. Well here are the facts:
The average Brit consumes around 7000kcals on Christmas Day alone, the average Amercian consumes about 20,000kcals made up mainly of eggnog and chocolate covered Turkey.
The average Brit attends around 2 Christmas parties on the build up to the festive season and drinks about 4000 kcals alone. The average American attends about 65 Christmas parties consisting of every single house down their street as they have to be extra festive and of course check out the competition on the most lit up house award, they also have the ability to drink even more egg juice.
The average Brit will consume about 2265 kcals on Christmas Day even before their dinner made up of alcohol/nuts/chocolate and Mince Pies. Now let's be honest a pint of John Smiths at 5am in the morning is a good start to the day before I open up the set of Primark pants I have wrapped under the tree.
The average Brit will put on around 6lbs between Christmas Eve and New Years Eve. Now this is nothing compared to the average American who will put on around 4 stone realise that they can no longer get out of the chair. But will fear not as the American is prepared for such an event and so purchased the popular motorised chair original made for the disabled so they are still able to add even more lights to their house even though Christmas has gone and it's now almost Easter.
Ok so now we are fully aware of the situation we are in its time to put together our fat free/problem free solution.
Stage 1 - The Christmas work party
So based on the fact that the average Brit will attend 2 work parties and consume around 10,000kcals made up of drinks and some sort of grease based food on the way home, we need to have a plan to avoid this major threat.
Top tips
1. Eat before you go out, a meal made up of a good protein, carbs and some veg before going out will boost your metabolism and make you less hungry when walking passed the house of grease on the way home.
2. Try and avoid beer and wine, as a lady this is easy as you can drink anything vodka based but tonic water and lime is a good idea. Now as a man this is more tricky as you do not want to be seen as the office girl pants. So I suggest bottled beer instead of pints and make the thing last just bore the hell out of colleagues about how you used to be fat and now your a machine.
3. Do morning cardio the morning of the party. This will boost your metabolism throughout the day, this will also mean your body will metabolise the alcohol quicker and so you will be dancing after 2 bottles and so drinking less.
4. Dance like your in a Busta Rhymes video! Dancing for 30 minutes can burn up to 225kcals so that's a bottle of beer and a bit so do the Math. One bottle of beer = 30 mins of shakin your booty. Ladies no doubt you will be up moving like Shakira most the night so lay of the wine and your all good.
Stage 2 - Christmas Day - The BIG ONE
Now this day posses a host of dangers from the minute you wake up. Based on the fact your British (not American) and will consume 7000kcals today we need a full proof plan of action.
Top tips
1. Make sure Santa eats his mince pie on Christmas Eve or else guess who will be eating it Christmas Day morning!
2. Now morning cardio would be a good idea, but it's Christmas and I'm opening up my Primark pants and soap on a rope! So cardio is a no go (unless you are really boring). Now a morning beer is a pleasure saved purely for Christmas so enjoy it (ladies you know you will have a glass of Bucks Fiz but that's got orange in it so your all good). So enjoy your morning beer.
3. Now your 200kcals down thanks to the beer we need to make up some kcals so you are now to become the Christmas fairy (boys this will be deemed 'sweet' by the misses). Getting up and down handing out presents takes your mind of the empty pint glass as you have a responsibility as you are 'The Christmas Fairy' and that's an important job. It will also help burn the calories from your morning beer.
4. So now the snacks have come out, but your prepared and feeling strong so you avoid the cheese and go straight for the porridge. This does sound boring but don't forget you are no longer the fatty from 2014 you are a machine and your machine does not need cheese. Porridge will also help keep hungar cravings away reducing the likely hood of snacking.
5. Now unless you are Cliff Richard you are going to be drinking today, so think back to your Christmas party. No not the person you hooked up with but your style of drinking bottles over pints and spirits over wine will help reduce unwanted calories.
6. During the Christmas dinner remember that really your eating a roast dinner and meat and veg never hurt anyone so tuck in. Now being a Midlands lad we stick gravy on everything so don't be shy. Try to reduce the roast pots and mash as let's be honest it is Christmas but again your machine doesn't need potato not today! So enjoy your meat veg and spirits/beer you have earnt it!
7. The pudding always comes with options. Saying no will make you look like the family weirdo who has an eating issue so you must be part of the gang. However Christmas pud without the custard ain't a bad start but it does taste like feet. So a thin slice of key lime pie won't hurt but don't get all eager and dig in with uncle Daves spade.
By the time you wake up it's 8pm and the relatives are just heading home and you have survived Christmas Day with very little damage to your waist line, great success! Now it's time to wash up and burn them last few calories.
New Years Eve
Now New Years Eve is an easy one and so I expect everyone to get this right! New Years Eve is an extremely important day for one reason. ITS MY BIRTHDAY so for the next 24hrs you are ALL to join me and get completely 'Bungalowed' as the whole world (accept the weirdo Chinese) celebrate the fact it's my birthday. So only for this day do you have a calorie green card to get completely 'Gazeboed'.
But on a serious note Christmas is a time for friends, family and good times. Relax enjoy and remember it's almost January so no doubt you can start your New Year New Me campaign.
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year from all at Fitness Essex.
(Last point, America is probably one of the best countries in the world to spend Christmas, but they seriously need to stop drinking eggnog)
